Note: This was written for ZR many, many moons ago.
A HORSE WITH NO NAME
AKA
TO SPOOF OR NOT TO SPOOF M7It was midday in July and really, really hot in the middle of the barren desert wasteland. It was so hot that the lizards skipped and scurried across the red, tan and brown desert sand, never having more than two legs touching the ground at any given time because they'd fry on the spot. And the rattlesnakes hid from the burning death rays deep in the crevices of the rocks, or under them if they could get there - it really was the preferred method of snake hiding.
Six weary men followed the horse hoof-prints deeply etched in the ground, leaving a marked trail through the scrubby brownish green desert growth. Suddenly a bunch of tumbleweeds stirred and lifted with the coming breeze, creating crazy patterns across the prints. Soon the lightly-blown soil and sand began the work of erasing them to the frustration of the men. The lead rider, Chris Larabee, cursed at the breeze and pushed his horse as fast as he dared while still being able to see the tracks. This would be a lot easier if we knew tracking better, he thought...
"This would be a whole lot easier if we knew tracking better," said J.D. Dunne with great panache.
"Heh." Chris grunted.
"Guys, we should probably slow down, ya know, 'cause we don't wanna lose the tracks," Nathan Jackson whined like he was wont to do.
"Do ya think you could stop the noise that sounds like yer whining, Nate?" Buck Wilmington asked sounding very exasperated.
"Well aren't we feeling rather articulate this morning, Buck," quipped Ezra Standish.
"Heh." Chris grunted again, wishing they'd all just read his mind and know that he wanted them to shut the hell up. He needed to concentrate on the tracks. Actually what he really needed was their tracker, Vin Tanner, but that wasn't possible because Vin was who they were trying to track through the god-forsaken back country of the Arizona Territory. And not for the first time either. Chris'd really been hoping that they could have made it through the rest of the month without bounty hunters coming after Vin yet once more...
"Why are we doing this again?" asked J.D., looking a little confused but very dapper in his Boston suit, even if it did need to be washed.
"We're looking for Vin, you numb-skull. Because the sooner we find him, the sooner I can go find me an unattached filly to linger away the day with," Buck said, laughing like a plundering pirate while twirling the ends of his mustache.
"Brother J.D., I'd make quick with the closed lips if I were you," said Josiah Sanchez, the last of the six men, while picking out the gunk from under his nails with a big-ass butcher knife that he'd borrowed from Nathan.
"Heh." Chris agreed with a not so loud grunt this time around, because really he didn't care what the rest of the men were doing. He had only one goal in mind - finding Vin.
"Hey, guys, look!" J.D. yelled like the kid he was and pointed toward the horizon.
The five men looked to where J.D. was pointing and then back at each other and shrugged. J.D., very excited now, just pointed harder and started bouncing up and down in his saddle. "There guys, there! Look, look, look, do ya see those big black birds circling way off in the distance!"
"Crows?" questioned Josiah with a shudder. "I don't like crows."
"Nah, they look like buzzards. Must be something dead over there, 'cuz that's the only time buzzards bother to fly around in this kind of heat," Nathan said and wiped his forehead, possibly to demonstrate his point that it was really hot outside.
Chris stared at the birds in question with dread. Still not speaking to the rest of the men, he jabbed his horse hard in the ribs and held on as the ornery beast jumped forward and took off at a run toward the hovering black mass of death.
"Nathan, it never fails to amaze me that you have such a lack of tact," Ezra said tut-tutting at the frowning black man.
"If'n I want yer advice, I'd ask for it," Nathan retorted. He started to say more, but Buck cut him off.
"I think we'd better put the leather to the hide if we want to catch up with Chris there," Buck said, pointing to the dust cloud coming from Chris's direction.
"I concur. Gentlemen let's ride!" Ezra gave a rebel yell, to which the remaining men joined in with and they were off.
After a brief--but really hard jostling type of gallop across the dry terrain--they caught up with Chris, just in time to see him jump from his horse and rush to Vin, who'd been bound to a big ass red rock, like Prometheus from the ancient Greek myth, wearing nothing but a loin cloth and very sexy knee length leather boots.
Nathan grabbed his ever handy bag of willow bark, from which he would boil a foul smelling and tasting concoction he called tea, with water found at a mysterious artesian spring issuing forth from the solid rock base at the cliff, and then he would force said tea down Vin's throat to cure him, and started issuing orders. "J.D. you collect fire wood, Buck you start the fire, Ezra you gather rocks to make a ring for the fire and Josiah you go cut Vin loose!"
The men scrambled to comply, which they did with swift efficiency, giving truth to the legend that had named them the "Magnificent Seven" - well, actually it was a funny sounding little author from the East, but back to the story.
"I's so glad to see you, Josiah," Vin whispered clearly exhausted. As soon as one hand was loose, he grabbed Josiah's shoulder and squeezed it with affection. He didn't know it, but that simple squeeze of gratitude set off a chain of unexpected events.
Chris, suddenly overcome with emotion, and legs going numb from kneeling, dropped to his butt and grabbed the now free Vin, bundling him into his arms. A burst of eloquent Shakespearean sounding prose broke forth from Chris's lips as he proclaimed, "Thou art mine love, Vin, mine own, mine true. Mine own heart would thus declare this truth had it but lips to express this sentiment which so permeates my very being."
The weary, tortured look on Vin's face was quickly replaced by a blinding smile of love. "I's feels the same 'bout you Chris. Just wish I could find them pretty words like you's just did."
"Oh, mine own, thou needn't vex thyself in search of flowery words which flow from the orifice of thy heart's own. Thy emotions wouldst be as clear to me if thou speakest not a syllable," Chris declared and gathered Vin in closer to his own beating heart, willing the seriously ill tracker to live, just live...
"I don't believe that I have ever heard words so beautiful before in all my years," said Ezra interrupting Chris's soliloquy. Thus stirred to emotion, he made his own proclamation. "Buck, I want you to know that you are my shining star. I couldn't be without you! Tell me you love me too."
Buck, as tears poured down his cheeks, said, "I do, I do, I do." He picked Ezra up and began to count the gambler's teeth with his tongue.
Nathan grabbed Josiah and pulled him forward into a passionate kiss. "I can't wait to try to lick the black off your skin," Josiah whispered huskily in Nathan's ear.
"Yeah, baby, anything you want," Nathan whispered back just as huskily.
"Ewwww!" J.D. yelled, as he threw his hat upon the ground and stomped on it a few times, maybe to put action to his words. "This really is very disturbing. I'm just gonna go now." And without a backward look, J.D. scooped up his now battered hat and headed back from where he came while the six men he'd left behind all began to moan in rapture.
The End of M7 Spoofing...